Faith is believing without seeing.
Trekking in faith that a summit is worth the climb. With every step, every scrabble, every puff and huff, legs and lungs struggling to embrace the challenge that is right now. It is the faith that the by sunrise, that invisible summit will manifest. A belief that with darkest hour comes the brightest of days.
A few hours past midnight we woke, we get ready to hike 2.5km to climb 800m elevation. Starting at 3272m (10735ft) and the summit of 4095m (13435ft), the final push to reach the peak of Mount Kota Kinabalu. The highest mountain in Borneo. Body is exhausted from the hike the day before, hiking 6km and gaining elevation 1408m (4619ft). Seeing fairy like forest, lush, misty, magical. Our spirits are high for the promise of a magnificent sunrise at summit. We are packed, gloved, hat, we're nourished, hydrated, and off we go.
Waking up at 2am does not feel right on all levels of my being that day. I had asked myself why do I do this? This is the second time I tried to wake up at this hour to watch sunrise. After many minutes of this back and forth in my head, I stopped to take a breather, looked up, looked around, there was nothingness. With nothingness, it's the brightest that shine. And that time it was the stars in the sky. They looked so radiant, so close by, so reachable, you want to reach for that sky. With total darkness the Milky Way will glow. Each chance I got, I don’t why, I scratch my eye, making sure the hazy sky is not from my sleepy eyes. That moment I looked up, I looked around, there's nothing to see but the sky above. I am grateful to be awake, grateful to be moving, seizing that moment. There is no clear path on a pitch dark night. The only visible path is that next step from the light from your headlamp. So you take that step up the stairs and it never seem to end, stopping every now and then to catch your breath. Nothing to see but the step in front of you. Trusting the path of the person before you.
The terrain had changed, from stairs we moved to rocks, the incline had changed, and this became apparent with the presence of ropes. This rope is to help pull you, stabilize you, and guide you through the path. The elevation had changed. Your body is aware of this change by the amount of rest in between you need to take. Every couple of feet, every couple of climb, your leg, your heart, your lungs, they needed to rest. Trusting and believing that every step you take will take you to the summit. The higher you climb, the harder it gets, the more you need to believe that the summit is worth the trek. No matter how small those steps are, not knowing how far you have gone and how far you have to go, you trust that these laborious steps will take you there. You look left, you look right, you look back, there is nothing to see. Yet you move forward. You trust, you have faith. In times of total darkness, have faith. It is exhausting to reach that summit, but no one has reached the summit standing still.
There were moments of fear, I must confess. Who is not afraid of the dark? It is intrinsic. Because of our fear of darkness we survived monsters lurking and preying. The fear of not knowing is so powerful it's debilitating. Many times I would freeze and not know how to plant my next step as I hang onto the rope for my dear life. I wanted to cry. But our guide so profoundly, so rightfully, asked, what are you afraid of? With fear I spoke, I do not want to fall. He answered, the rope is there so you don't fall, you still have your legs. Get up! get up, walk, use the rope so you don't fall. I stood up. and yes, I could still carry myself with this incline. I still have my legs to carry me through this mountain. The fear of falling and not knowing where you will land cast a shadow of doubt as dark as a night without stars. But faith is believing what in what you don't see. You may not see the strength in you, the power within you, are enough to get you through.
We were 200 meters towards the summit, it is still quite dark. We still could not see it. Our guide rushed us, 10min before sunrise. And when we thought we have nothing more to give. That sun will peak through weather you summit or not, but it is up to you witness this magnificent view. With all our might, we climb through boulders, no more ropes, just you and the rocks. You are enough. Lift yourself up. And with everything you got, you will witness that first glimpse of light. And with that light you will finally see, the path you trek, the climbs you make through those darkest of times. And when you realize how far you have come, you will thank the darkness you have succumbed, for all these time, you only got one thing done. Putting one foot forward is the best you have done.
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